kerro vitsi

(Tää toimis paremmin jos olisin tyttö, mut anyway:)

GONNA BE A BEAR

In this life I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup, gonna be a bear!

I Love This Doctor

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
'If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND......

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

sapeli, 10.12.2008 14:54:
I Love This Doctor

Me too :D
Nauratti*hymy*

Löysin tänään Muron vitsit ja niitä lueskellut väleissä. Muutamat kolahti.

A farmer buys several sheeps, hoping to breed them. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheeps are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help.The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn`t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the sheeps are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.

The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheeps. So he loads the sheeps into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all. Then he brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheeps. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn`t take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, does each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheeps still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself,and proceeds to load them up and drives them out to the woods. He spends all day with the sheeps and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheeps. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheeps are laying in the mud.
""No,"" she says, ""they`re all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.""

*********************************************

Kaksi ukkoa päätti lähteä lappiin retkeilemään kauaksi nalkuttavista vaimoista ja tekemättömistä töistä. Teltta saatiin illan hämärtyessä pystyyn ja ukot kävivät pötkölleen teltan lattialle. Kului puolisen tuntia, kun toinen kysyy:
- Et nuku?
- En.
- Runkkaatko?
- Joo.
- Eikä seiso?
- Ei.
- Kokeileppa välillä omalla mulkulla.

Minua on vituttanut jo pitkään, kun jotkut itkevät ennenaikaisesta siemensyöksystä. Se on ihan turhaa paskanjauhantaa. Ennenaikaista siemensyöksyä ei ole olemassakaan, vaan se tulee juuri sillä samalla sekunnilla, kun kullissa parhaalta tuntuu. ei siis ennemmin eikä myöhemmin. Missä siis ongelma? Jokainen huolehtikoon itse orkuistaan ja mitä nopeemmin kuti irtoaa, sitä enemmän jää aikaa rokkiin, vittuiluun ja kaljanjuontiin eikä tarvi läträtä sen haisevan pillun kanssa niin kauaa. Ja jos kuti lähtee jo lahkeeseen, suuhun, otsaan tai rystysille, ei tarvi edes käydä pesemässä sitä niljakasta ahvenenkatkua pois kullista. Ja yleensä, kun heitän housut pois nainen pilkallisesti kysyy "Kenet aiot pienellä pippelilläs tyydyttää?" Hymyt hyytyvät ilmoittaessani, että itseni ensisijaisesti. Ja siihen kyllä tämä koko riittää. Perkele!

Kyseessä ei ole omakohtaisiin kokemuksiin perustuva tarina :D

mitä kuuro mykkä sokea vauva sai jouluna?

syövän

Mikä on tossun alla olemisen huippu?


- Steriili mies ei uskalla kertoa totuutta raskaana olevalle vaimolleen.

Mies kaverilleen:
- Olemme vaimoni kanssa viimeinkin yhtä mieltä siitä, että meidän on säästettävä.
- Miten te sen teette?
- Yksinkertaisesti. Tästä lähtien en saa enää polttaa, enkä juoda.

Mies lakaisee rappusia. Naapuri utelee:
- Eikö tuo ole vaimosi hommia?
- No, tuumaa mies, en halua olla pikkumainen, auttaahan hänkin minua välillä tiskaamisessa.

- Mikset tullut eilen firman juhliin?
- Vaimoni mielestä minun ei tehnyt mieli.

oma suokkarini
- No terve! Sinullapas tuntuu olevan kiire! tokaisee mies kaverilleen.
- Joo, täytyy painella kotiin laittamaan vaimolle ruokaa.
- Onko hän kipeä?
- Ei, kun nälkäinen.

Pienikokoinen aviomies luuttusi keittiön lattiaa. Äkkiä hän paiskasi rätin kädestään karjaisten voimiensa takaa:
- Jumaliste, nyt se on loppu!
Vaimon kookas olemus ilmestyi ovelle:
- Että mikä on loppu?
- Mäntysuopa, rakkaani, mäntysuopa...

- Sietääkö sinun vaimosi vastaansanomista?
- En todellakaan osaa sanoa.

Vaimo haasteli sohvalta miehelleen:
- Oikein sydäntä särkee katsoa, kun sinä siellä keittiössä kokkaat ja tiskaat, silität ja siivoat. Voisitko sulkea oven?!

- Vaimoni halusi, että menisimme lomalla Sveitsiin. Minä taas halusin ehdottomasti Saariselälle.
- No, mitä piditte Alpeista?

Aloitteleva kaivosmies kysyi internetissä neuvoa kuinka hän pystyisi helposti kaivamaan kaivoksessa?

Vastaukseksi hän sai seuraavaa : "Käytä hakkua!"

Heli, 9.11.2008 10:16:
Uudempaa kielioppia

hahhah, päivän totaalirepeäminen :D

http://img403.imageshack.us/img403/1628/kirvesor5.jpg

Heli, 9.11.2008 10:16:
Uudempaa kielioppia

AGGRESSIIVI:
Suomen kielen vanhojen modusten rinnalle on puhekielessä
vakiintunut aggressiivi. Se taipuu persoonissa ja luvuissa ja kaikissa
tempuksissa.
Aggressiivin tunnus on toistaiseksi hyvin vaikeasti mihinkään
sanaluokkaan määriteltävissä oleva VITTU.

Funktioltaan aggressiivirakenne on siis kieltoapuverbiä (en, et, ei)
vastaava.

PREESENSTAIVUTUS
1.sg vittumä jaksa mitään myydä.
2.sg vittusä rupee mulle iniseen.
3.sg vittuse tullu ees paikalle, turhaan venasin.
1.pl vittume mitään pikkulapsia syödä, paskapuhetta.
2.pl vittute mihinkään raflaan tule, kunhan jauhatte.
3.pl vittune mistään mitään tiedä.

Tää hajos semisti

An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring a beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, "Ah, young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est magnifique!" and continued to watch, remembering good times.

Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman - she is dead!" and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief.

He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted, "Jean... Jean zere is zis man, zis woman ... naked in farmer Gaston's field making love."

The police chief smiled and said; "Come, come, Henri you are not so old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay."

"Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"

Hearing this, Jean leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and pedaled all the way back non-stop to call the doctor.

"Pierre, Pierre, ... this is Jean, I was in Gaston's field; zere is a young couple naked 'aving sex."

To which Pierre replied,"Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural.
"
Jean, still out of breath, gasped in reply, "NON, you do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"

Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, "Mon dieu!" grabbed his black medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools; jumped in the car; and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.

After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station.

He got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said, "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead; she is English."

Heli, 9.11.2008 10:16:
Uudempaa kielioppia
-clips-

Oli pakko laittaa toi mutsille ja systerille sähköpostilla

http://www.geocities.com/jurri.geo/misc/imp/

Unik, 21.1.2009 19:00:
http://www.geocities.com/jurri.geo/misc/imp/

ei helvetti

Miksi mykkä runkkaa yhdellä kädellä?

... Jotta voi toisella kädellä ulista
aina kun tekee hyvää.

http://www.iltalehti.fi/uutiset/200901218954198_uu.shtml

:D

Unik, 21.1.2009 19:00:
http://www.geocities.com/jurri.geo/misc/imp/

hohohoh! Aika paha :D

Unik, 21.1.2009 19:00:
http://www.geocities.com/jurri.geo/misc/imp/

No ei saatana!! Kovaa sakkia

miten saa mahtumaan 5norsua ladaan???
V. 2eteen ja 3taakse.

Miten saa kirahvin jääkaappiin?
v. Avaa oven ja laittaa sen sinne.

Miten saa NORSUN mahtumaan jääkaappiin??
V. Avaa jääkaapin oven, heittää kirahvin ulos sieltä ja pistää norsun tilalle..

Norsu ja kirahvi ottivat 100m juoksu kisan. Kumpi voitti??
V. No tietysti kirahvi koska se norsu on viellä jääkaapissa..