Mä oon kuullu tän sillee, että Niki Lauda oli palkkaamassa formulakuskeja...Kari oli syntynyt tähän maailmaan ilman korvalehtiä.
A young Jamaican man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Jamaica on a vacation for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Jamaican man hands over the keys to a new BMW 740i. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. The Jamaican produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Jamaican for using a $80,000 BMW as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the BMW into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the Jamaican man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a successful business man. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The Jamaican replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
The bank employees watch as he pulls out of the garage, windows down and sunroof open. The music was blasting from his car as he pulled away, "We run things, things no run we, everything we do, it done properly."
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Jamaican for using a $80,000 BMW as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the BMW into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the Jamaican man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a successful business man. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The Jamaican replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
The bank employees watch as he pulls out of the garage, windows down and sunroof open. The music was blasting from his car as he pulled away, "We run things, things no run we, everything we do, it done properly."
Earth to Mars
* Distance: Approx. 77 Million kms
* NASA Spirit Cost: Approx. 321 Million
* Launched: 10-06-2003
* Landed: Jan 2004
* Status: Working
Luas:
* Length of first two lines: Approx. 25kms
* Luas cost so far: Approx. 675 million
* Construction of Line A, commenced in September 1999.
* Status: Not working
Just to give some idea of scale, if there were to be an Irish mission
launched in the morning, at this rate it would take 13 million years to get
to Mars, without actually working, in spite of costing EUR208 trillion.
Idiots. But sure, aren't we gas when we've drink taken.
* Distance: Approx. 77 Million kms
* NASA Spirit Cost: Approx. 321 Million
* Launched: 10-06-2003
* Landed: Jan 2004
* Status: Working
Luas:
* Length of first two lines: Approx. 25kms
* Luas cost so far: Approx. 675 million
* Construction of Line A, commenced in September 1999.
* Status: Not working
Just to give some idea of scale, if there were to be an Irish mission
launched in the morning, at this rate it would take 13 million years to get
to Mars, without actually working, in spite of costing EUR208 trillion.
Idiots. But sure, aren't we gas when we've drink taken.
Pahkasika oli ehdottomasti mun lempilehtihuumoria :) Sääli, että se on
lopetettu :( Ei noista myrkyistä sun muista oo koskaan ollu mihinkään.
TV-huumorikin on pääsääntösesti todella tyhmää, varsinkin suomalainen.
lopetettu :( Ei noista myrkyistä sun muista oo koskaan ollu mihinkään.
TV-huumorikin on pääsääntösesti todella tyhmää, varsinkin suomalainen.
Kävelin juuri kauppaan kirkon ohi 20 asteen pakkasessa. Ne oli tehneet siihen ovelle plakaatin: "Kiitos taivaan isä talvesta". Mitä vittua?!
"Kiitos taivaan isä talvesta". Mitä vittua?!
Jos ne oli herenneet sarkastiseks :)
- Miksi DJ käy kuumana?
- Levy jäi päälle.
- Mitä tiskijukalla on astiakaapissaan?
- Levylautasia.
Mitä on Niinistön rodeo?
Harrastetaan Tanjan kanssa seksiä takaapäin, otetaan toisella kädellä rinnasta kiinni, toisella kädellä painetaan niskasta ja kuiskataan korvaan, että Frostellin Janinalla on paremmat tissit. Sitten yritetään pysyä sisällä 10 sekuntia.
Harrastetaan Tanjan kanssa seksiä takaapäin, otetaan toisella kädellä rinnasta kiinni, toisella kädellä painetaan niskasta ja kuiskataan korvaan, että Frostellin Janinalla on paremmat tissit. Sitten yritetään pysyä sisällä 10 sekuntia.
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in
hospital.
A man walks into a pub. He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.
Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge? She was
clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low
self-esteem.
- What do you call a cat with no tail?
- A manx cat.
- Why do undertakers wear ties?
- Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their
appearance has a degree of gravitas.
- How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?
- One.
Two men are sitting in a pub. One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.' The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitue to subsidise her drug habit.'
Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.
- Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
- Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.
- Who's there?
- The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in
hospital.
A man walks into a pub. He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.
Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge? She was
clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low
self-esteem.
- What do you call a cat with no tail?
- A manx cat.
- Why do undertakers wear ties?
- Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their
appearance has a degree of gravitas.
- How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?
- One.
Two men are sitting in a pub. One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.' The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitue to subsidise her drug habit.'
Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.
- Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
- Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.
You gotta love this guy..... This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.
It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.
He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.
As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope.
He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.
After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!".
Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I m outta here." He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.
While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.
His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.
This guy has balls the size of church bells. Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this?
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends.....................................$32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion............................................??...$3,000.
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui..........................................?...$8,500.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man.
!!!! Priceless !!!!
There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD. You gotta love this guy.
It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.
He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.
As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope.
He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.
After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!".
Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I m outta here." He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.
While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.
His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.
This guy has balls the size of church bells. Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this?
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends.....................................$32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion............................................??...$3,000.
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui..........................................?...$8,500.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man.
!!!! Priceless !!!!
There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD. You gotta love this guy.
Olipa kerran pikku Arttu, jolla ei ollut käsiä, eikä jalkoja. Jouluaattona
Arttu ryömi kuusen juurelle katselemaan paketteja. Kuusen ympärillä hetken
pyörittyään Arttu löysi paketteja isälle, äidille ja veljelleen, mutta hän
ei löytänyt yhtään lahjaa itselleen. Arttu siitä sitten rullaili itsensä
keittiöön, missä äiti oli ottamassa kinkkua ulos uunista. Arttu meni äidin
luokse ja kysyi:
-Miksi minulle ei ole yhtään lahjaa?
Johon äiti vastasi:
-Koska sinulla on syöpä.
Arttu ryömi kuusen juurelle katselemaan paketteja. Kuusen ympärillä hetken
pyörittyään Arttu löysi paketteja isälle, äidille ja veljelleen, mutta hän
ei löytänyt yhtään lahjaa itselleen. Arttu siitä sitten rullaili itsensä
keittiöön, missä äiti oli ottamassa kinkkua ulos uunista. Arttu meni äidin
luokse ja kysyi:
-Miksi minulle ei ole yhtään lahjaa?
Johon äiti vastasi:
-Koska sinulla on syöpä.
While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.
His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.
This guy has balls the size of church bells. Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this?
Reveng... is a dish best served cold :D
Q: What do you get when you cross a donkey and an onion?
A: Most of the cases you get an onion with really long ears, but every once in a while you get an ass that makes you cry.
Toimii parhaiten lausuttuna:
The pope died and of course went to heaven. St. Peter asked him what he wants to do for the next ... oh, let's say few millenia... The pope said he really would like to read the original scripts where the bible is based on. So he got all the infos all the possible variations of the bible and so on.
Time passed on.
One day an angel went to god and said that the pope's gone crazy. He just sits in the library in one corner and mutters something about "R".
God went to see the pope and asked him what's wrong. The pope answered with tears in his eyes, shivering: "The R... the letter R... there's an... there's... the word is celebRate!"
A: Most of the cases you get an onion with really long ears, but every once in a while you get an ass that makes you cry.
Toimii parhaiten lausuttuna:
The pope died and of course went to heaven. St. Peter asked him what he wants to do for the next ... oh, let's say few millenia... The pope said he really would like to read the original scripts where the bible is based on. So he got all the infos all the possible variations of the bible and so on.
Time passed on.
One day an angel went to god and said that the pope's gone crazy. He just sits in the library in one corner and mutters something about "R".
God went to see the pope and asked him what's wrong. The pope answered with tears in his eyes, shivering: "The R... the letter R... there's an... there's... the word is celebRate!"
Okay, pari vanhaa, mut loistavaa..
Basisti
Bändi lähti treenikämpältä. Eläintarhasta oli kuitenkin karannut vihainen karhu, joka lähti tulemaan uhkaavasti muristen bändiläisiä kohti.
Bändiläiset juoksivat takaisin treenikämpälleen. Vasta oven lukittuaan he huomasivat basistin jääneen ulos. Ikkunasta katsoessaan he näkivät tämän juoksevan taloa ympäri karhu aivan kannoillaan.
"Varo", huusi kitaristi, "se saa sut kohta kiinni!"
"Ei hätää", basisti huikkasi, "se on kolme kierrosta jäljessä!"
---
Basisti kertoi innokkaana etelänmatkastaan. Eräänä iltana hotellin kaunis kerrossiivooja oli tullut ehdottamaan, että hän voisi tulla lämmittämään basistia peiton alle, jos hän halusi.
- Vieläkin harmittaa, kun en ollut viluinen silloin.
---
Blondi
Seksivälineliikkeellä meni huonosti. Eräänä päivänä sitten kauppaan astui musta nainen, myyjä ryntäsi heti hänen luo. Nainen kysyi oliko heillä vibraattoreita.
No tähän myyjä sitten vastasi, että meillä on mustana seka valkeana. Nainen kysyi hintaa ja myyjä sanoi sen maksavan 300,-. No nainen sitten päätti otaa sen, maksoi ja poistui liikkeesta.
Pian tämän jalkeen tuli valkoinen nainen liikkeeseen. Hän kysyi samaa. Myyjä esitteli heidän valikoimansa. Tämäkin nainen kysyi hintaa. Myyjä vastasi taas tuotteen hinnaksi 300,-. Nainen osti tyytyväisenä tuotteen.
Pian astui liikkeeseen blondi. Blondi kysyi oliko heillä harvinaisia vibraattoreita. Myyjä sanoi, että teilla kävi nyt tuuri, meillä on nimittäin täällä yksi hopeanvärinen harvinaisuus kassapöydän alla. Blondi kysyi hintaa. Myyjä sanoi 1200,-. Blondi osti tuotteen ja lähti erittäin tyytyväisenä.
Myöhemmin illalla liikkeeseen saapui paikan omistaja. Hän kysyi päivän tuottoa. Myyjä vastasi 1800,-. Omistaja ihmetteli tuottoa. Myyjä kertoi sitten, että liikkeessä kävi 3 asiakasta: Musta nainen, joka osti 300,- vibraattorin, valkoinen nainen, joka kanssa osti 300,- vibraattorin sekä blondi, joka osti 1200 markalla myyjän termospullon
---
Mies yritti lemmikkialligaattorin kanssa ravintolaan. Portsari ei päästänyt.
Mies todisteli: "Tää on ihan kiltti, kato ny!" ja kopautti kepillä elukkaa päähän ja kita avautui. Kops, ja kita taas sulkeutui. "Näetkös nyt, ihan kiltti se on."
Poke: "Ei toi mitään todista, sehän voi vahingoittaa jotakin."
Mies intti: "Ei se tee pahaa ihmiselle, kato ny!" ja kopautti krokoa päähän, kita avautui.
Mies otti housuistaan kalunsa esille ja asetti sen pedon leukojen väliin. Kops, kita sulkeutui varovasti. Kops, kita avautui. Kalu ehjänä takaisin housuihin ja kops, kita kiinni.
"Joko uskot?" kysyi mies portsarilta.
Poke: "Mutta sehän tuntee sut. Ei tuo todista sitä, etteikö se tekisi pahaa vieraille."
Siinä vaiheessa ravintolasta oli tullut yleisöä ovelle katsomaan, mistä oli kysymys. Osoittaakseen krokonsa olevan hellä myös vieraille mies pyysi yleisöstä vapaaehtoista kokeilemaan samaa temppua pedon kanssa.
Eräs blondi huusi: "Mä voin tulla, mut älä sit lyö niin lujaa päähän!"
---
Sekalaisia
Jos käytät höyhentä, se on eroottista, jos käytät koko kanaa, se on perverssiä.
---
Kalle istuu matikantunnilla kun opettaja kysyy luokalta; "Aidalla on kolme varista, maatalon isäntä tulee ja ampuu haulikolla niistä yhden. Kuinka monta jää aidalle?"
Kalle miettii hetken ja vastaa; "Ei yhtään, yksi kuolee ja muut pelästyvät pauketta ja lentävät pois."
Opettaja toteaa; "Ei Kalle, niitä jää kaksi, mutta pidän kyllä sinun ajattelutavasta."
Kalle miettii hetken ja avaa jälleen suunsa; "Opettaja, mulla olis rouva opettajalle kysymys. On kolme naista jätskikioskilla. Jokainen heistä ostaa mehujääpuikon. Yksi naisista nuolee puikkoa, toinen imee sitä ja kolmas ottaa reiluja haukkuja. Kuka naisista on naimisissa?"
Opettaja vastaa, poskille puna nousten, hieman nolona lopulta; "No, öh, kai se on se joka imee sitä?"
Kalle siihen; "Ei, se on se jolla on sormus nimettömässä, mutta mä pidän sun ajattelutavasta..."
---
Suomalainen aikamiespoika lähti Thaimaahan huoriin. Viikon verran siellä jyysti vähän ketä sattui ja sitten palasi takaisiin Suomeen.
Kuinka ollakaan, alkoi sitten myöhemmin vähän kikkeliä kutkuttamaan ja kaikenmaailman näppylää puskemaan. Kaveri lähti siitä sitten lääkärille käymään ja kikkeliään näyttämään. Lääkäri tutki aikansa, kunnes antoi diagnoosinsa. Kyseessä oli kuulemma Mongolialainen hyppykuppa. Suomalainen sitten kysäisi, että milläs mokoma hoidetaan kuntoon, johon lääkäri totesi kylmästi, että ainoa mahdollisuus on amputoida kulli ihan vallan pois.
Suomen poika ei tietenkään moiseen tyytynyt, vaan lähti Mongoliaan paikallisen ekspertin juttusille. Suomalainen kertoi paikalliselle tohtorille ongelmansa, ja sen että Suomen lääkärin mukaan mokoma pitäisi amputoida.
Lääkäri päästi oikein röhönaurun ja sanoi, että semmoisia ne länsimaalaiset tohtorit ovat, aina leikkamassa että saisivat enemmän rahaa. Suomalainen huokaisi helpotuksesta ja kysyi, että mitenkäs tämän kanssa sitten tulisi toimia. Lääkäri vastasi.
- Viikon verran kun odottelet, niin se tippuu itsestään.
---
Piis & Out! :)
Basisti
Bändi lähti treenikämpältä. Eläintarhasta oli kuitenkin karannut vihainen karhu, joka lähti tulemaan uhkaavasti muristen bändiläisiä kohti.
Bändiläiset juoksivat takaisin treenikämpälleen. Vasta oven lukittuaan he huomasivat basistin jääneen ulos. Ikkunasta katsoessaan he näkivät tämän juoksevan taloa ympäri karhu aivan kannoillaan.
"Varo", huusi kitaristi, "se saa sut kohta kiinni!"
"Ei hätää", basisti huikkasi, "se on kolme kierrosta jäljessä!"
---
Basisti kertoi innokkaana etelänmatkastaan. Eräänä iltana hotellin kaunis kerrossiivooja oli tullut ehdottamaan, että hän voisi tulla lämmittämään basistia peiton alle, jos hän halusi.
- Vieläkin harmittaa, kun en ollut viluinen silloin.
---
Blondi
Seksivälineliikkeellä meni huonosti. Eräänä päivänä sitten kauppaan astui musta nainen, myyjä ryntäsi heti hänen luo. Nainen kysyi oliko heillä vibraattoreita.
No tähän myyjä sitten vastasi, että meillä on mustana seka valkeana. Nainen kysyi hintaa ja myyjä sanoi sen maksavan 300,-. No nainen sitten päätti otaa sen, maksoi ja poistui liikkeesta.
Pian tämän jalkeen tuli valkoinen nainen liikkeeseen. Hän kysyi samaa. Myyjä esitteli heidän valikoimansa. Tämäkin nainen kysyi hintaa. Myyjä vastasi taas tuotteen hinnaksi 300,-. Nainen osti tyytyväisenä tuotteen.
Pian astui liikkeeseen blondi. Blondi kysyi oliko heillä harvinaisia vibraattoreita. Myyjä sanoi, että teilla kävi nyt tuuri, meillä on nimittäin täällä yksi hopeanvärinen harvinaisuus kassapöydän alla. Blondi kysyi hintaa. Myyjä sanoi 1200,-. Blondi osti tuotteen ja lähti erittäin tyytyväisenä.
Myöhemmin illalla liikkeeseen saapui paikan omistaja. Hän kysyi päivän tuottoa. Myyjä vastasi 1800,-. Omistaja ihmetteli tuottoa. Myyjä kertoi sitten, että liikkeessä kävi 3 asiakasta: Musta nainen, joka osti 300,- vibraattorin, valkoinen nainen, joka kanssa osti 300,- vibraattorin sekä blondi, joka osti 1200 markalla myyjän termospullon
---
Mies yritti lemmikkialligaattorin kanssa ravintolaan. Portsari ei päästänyt.
Mies todisteli: "Tää on ihan kiltti, kato ny!" ja kopautti kepillä elukkaa päähän ja kita avautui. Kops, ja kita taas sulkeutui. "Näetkös nyt, ihan kiltti se on."
Poke: "Ei toi mitään todista, sehän voi vahingoittaa jotakin."
Mies intti: "Ei se tee pahaa ihmiselle, kato ny!" ja kopautti krokoa päähän, kita avautui.
Mies otti housuistaan kalunsa esille ja asetti sen pedon leukojen väliin. Kops, kita sulkeutui varovasti. Kops, kita avautui. Kalu ehjänä takaisin housuihin ja kops, kita kiinni.
"Joko uskot?" kysyi mies portsarilta.
Poke: "Mutta sehän tuntee sut. Ei tuo todista sitä, etteikö se tekisi pahaa vieraille."
Siinä vaiheessa ravintolasta oli tullut yleisöä ovelle katsomaan, mistä oli kysymys. Osoittaakseen krokonsa olevan hellä myös vieraille mies pyysi yleisöstä vapaaehtoista kokeilemaan samaa temppua pedon kanssa.
Eräs blondi huusi: "Mä voin tulla, mut älä sit lyö niin lujaa päähän!"
---
Sekalaisia
Jos käytät höyhentä, se on eroottista, jos käytät koko kanaa, se on perverssiä.
---
Kalle istuu matikantunnilla kun opettaja kysyy luokalta; "Aidalla on kolme varista, maatalon isäntä tulee ja ampuu haulikolla niistä yhden. Kuinka monta jää aidalle?"
Kalle miettii hetken ja vastaa; "Ei yhtään, yksi kuolee ja muut pelästyvät pauketta ja lentävät pois."
Opettaja toteaa; "Ei Kalle, niitä jää kaksi, mutta pidän kyllä sinun ajattelutavasta."
Kalle miettii hetken ja avaa jälleen suunsa; "Opettaja, mulla olis rouva opettajalle kysymys. On kolme naista jätskikioskilla. Jokainen heistä ostaa mehujääpuikon. Yksi naisista nuolee puikkoa, toinen imee sitä ja kolmas ottaa reiluja haukkuja. Kuka naisista on naimisissa?"
Opettaja vastaa, poskille puna nousten, hieman nolona lopulta; "No, öh, kai se on se joka imee sitä?"
Kalle siihen; "Ei, se on se jolla on sormus nimettömässä, mutta mä pidän sun ajattelutavasta..."
---
Suomalainen aikamiespoika lähti Thaimaahan huoriin. Viikon verran siellä jyysti vähän ketä sattui ja sitten palasi takaisiin Suomeen.
Kuinka ollakaan, alkoi sitten myöhemmin vähän kikkeliä kutkuttamaan ja kaikenmaailman näppylää puskemaan. Kaveri lähti siitä sitten lääkärille käymään ja kikkeliään näyttämään. Lääkäri tutki aikansa, kunnes antoi diagnoosinsa. Kyseessä oli kuulemma Mongolialainen hyppykuppa. Suomalainen sitten kysäisi, että milläs mokoma hoidetaan kuntoon, johon lääkäri totesi kylmästi, että ainoa mahdollisuus on amputoida kulli ihan vallan pois.
Suomen poika ei tietenkään moiseen tyytynyt, vaan lähti Mongoliaan paikallisen ekspertin juttusille. Suomalainen kertoi paikalliselle tohtorille ongelmansa, ja sen että Suomen lääkärin mukaan mokoma pitäisi amputoida.
Lääkäri päästi oikein röhönaurun ja sanoi, että semmoisia ne länsimaalaiset tohtorit ovat, aina leikkamassa että saisivat enemmän rahaa. Suomalainen huokaisi helpotuksesta ja kysyi, että mitenkäs tämän kanssa sitten tulisi toimia. Lääkäri vastasi.
- Viikon verran kun odottelet, niin se tippuu itsestään.
---
Piis & Out! :)
Miehille tulisi kehittää uusi ehkäisy keino...
Tälläkertaa kyse ei olisikaan enneltaehkäisystä, vaan jäkiehkäisystä:
Epätoivotun tilanteen jälkeen syöt apteekista ostamasi pillerin.
Sinulle nousee yhdeksi vuorokaudeksi kova kuume ja seuraavana päivänä sinulla on uusi veriryhmä ja dna "koodi"
Tälläkertaa kyse ei olisikaan enneltaehkäisystä, vaan jäkiehkäisystä:
Epätoivotun tilanteen jälkeen syöt apteekista ostamasi pillerin.
Sinulle nousee yhdeksi vuorokaudeksi kova kuume ja seuraavana päivänä sinulla on uusi veriryhmä ja dna "koodi"
Kalle istuu matikantunnilla kun opettaja kysyy luokalta; "Aidalla on kolme varista, maatalon isäntä tulee ja ampuu haulikolla niistä yhden. Kuinka monta jää aidalle?"
Kalle miettii hetken ja vastaa; "Ei yhtään, yksi kuolee ja muut pelästyvät pauketta ja lentävät pois."
Opettaja toteaa; "Ei Kalle, niitä jää kaksi, mutta pidän kyllä sinun ajattelutavasta."
Kalle miettii hetken ja avaa jälleen suunsa; "Opettaja, mulla olis rouva opettajalle kysymys. On kolme naista jätskikioskilla. Jokainen heistä ostaa mehujääpuikon. Yksi naisista nuolee puikkoa, toinen imee sitä ja kolmas ottaa reiluja haukkuja. Kuka naisista on naimisissa?"
Opettaja vastaa, poskille puna nousten, hieman nolona lopulta; "No, öh, kai se on se joka imee sitä?"
Kalle siihen; "Ei, se on se jolla on sormus nimettömässä, mutta mä pidän sun ajattelutavasta..."
Kyllä! :excellent:
Olipa kerran pikku Arttu, jolla ei ollut käsiä, eikä jalkoja ...*clip* ... ja kysyi:
-Miksi minulle ei ole yhtään lahjaa?
Johon äiti vastasi:
-Koska sinulla on syöpä.
Taahan on melkein yhta hyva kuin vanha klassikko: "Viisi miesta kaveli sillalla ja yhdella oli parta."
The Stella Awards were inspired by Stella Liebeck. In 1992, Stella, then 79, spilled a cup of McDonald's coffee onto her lap, burning herself. A New Mexico jury awarded her $2.9 million in damages, but that's not the whole story. Ever since, the name "Stella Award" has been applied to any wild, outrageous, or ridiculous lawsuits -- including bogus cases! We search for true cases, and you can subscribe by e-mail for free to get the case reports as they're issued.
---
The 2003 True Stella Awards Winners
by Randy Cassingham
Issued 21 January 2004
#8: Stephen Joseph of San Francisco, Calif. Joseph runs a non-profit group whose goal is to ban the "trans fats" used in many processed foods and which are indeed very unhealthy. But to help gain publicity for his cause, Joseph, an attorney, chose one food that uses trans fats -- Oreo cookies -- and sued Kraft Foods for putting the stuff in the snack. The resulting publicity over "suing Oreos" was so intense that Joseph dropped the suit after just 13 days. He never even served the suit on Kraft, showing that he had no interest in actually getting the case heard in court. What real cases got pushed aside during his abuse of the courts to get publicity for his pet organization?
#7: Shawn Perkins of Laurel, Ind. Perkins was hit by lightning in the parking lot Paramount's Kings Island amusement park in Mason, Ohio. A classic "act of God", right? No, says Perkins' lawyer. "That would be a lot of people's knee-jerk reaction in these types of situations." The lawyer has filed suit against the amusement park asking unspecified damages, arguing the park should have "warned" people not to be outside during a thunderstorm.
#6: Caesar Barber, 56, of New York City. Barber, who is 5-foot-10 and 270 pounds, says he is obese, diabetic, and suffers from heart disease because fast food restaurants forced him to eat their fatty food four to five times per week. He filed suit against McDonald's, Burger King, Wendy's and KFC, who "profited enormously" and asked for unspecified damages because the eateries didn't warn him that junk food isn't good for him. The judge threw the case out twice, and barred it from being filed a third time. Is that the end of such McCases? No way: lawyers will just find another plaintiff and start over, legal scholars say.
#5: Cole Bartiromo, 18, of Mission Viejo, Calif. After making over $1 million in the stock market, the feds made Bartiromo pay it all back: he gained his profits, they said, using fraud. Bartiromo played baseball at school, but after his fraud case broke he was no longer allowed to participate in extracurricular sports. Bartiromo clearly learned a lot while sitting in federal court: he wrote and filed his own lawsuit against his high school, reasoning that he had planned on a pro baseball career but, because he was kicked off the school's team, pro scouts wouldn't be able to discover him. His suit demands the school reimburse him for the great salary he would have made in the majors, which he figures is $50 million.
#4: Priest David Hanser, 70. Hanser was one of the first Catholic priests to be caught up in the sex abuse scandal. In 1990, he settled a suit filed by one of his victims for $65,000. In the settlement, Hanser agreed not to work with children anymore, but the victim learned that Hanser was ignoring that part of the agreement. The victim appealed to the church, asking it to stop Hanser from working near children, but the church would not intervene. "It's up to the church to decide where he works," argued the priest's lawyer. When the outraged victim went to the press to warn the public that a pedo priest was near children, Hanser sued him for the same $65,000 because he violated his own part of the deal -- to keep the settlement secret. The message is clear: shut up about outrageous abuse, or we'll sue you for catching us.
#3: Wanda Hudson, 44, of Mobile, Ala. After Hudson lost her home to foreclosure, she moved her belongings to a storage unit. She says she was inside her unit one night "looking for some papers" when the storage yard manager found the door to her unit ajar -- and locked it. She denies that she was sleeping inside, but incredibly did not call for help or bang on the door to be let out! She was not found for 63 days and barely survived; the formerly "plump" 150-pound woman lived on food she just happened to have in the unit, and was a mere 83 pounds when she was found. She sued the storage yard for $10 million claiming negligence. Even though the jury was not allowed to learn that Hudson had previously diagnosed mental problems, it found Hudson was nearly 100 percent responsible for her own predicament -- but still awarded her $100,000.
#2: Doug Baker, 45, of Portland, Ore. Baker says God "steered" him to a stray dog. He admits "People thought I was crazy" to spend $4,000 in vet bills to bring the injured mutt back to health, but hey, it was God's dog! But $4,000 was nothing: he couldn't even take his girlfriend out to dinner without getting a dog-sitter to watch him. When the skittish dog escaped the sitter, Baker didn't just put an ad in the paper, he bought display ads so he could include a photo. His business collapsed since he devoted full time to the search for the dog. He didn't propose to his girlfriend because he wanted the dog to deliver the ring to her. He hired four "animal psychics" to give him clues to the animal's whereabouts, and hired a witch to cast spells. He even spread his own urine around to "mark his territory" to try to lure the dog home! And, he said, he cried every day. Two months in to the search, he went looking for the dog where it got lost -- and quickly found it. His first task: he put a collar on the mutt. (He hadn't done that before for a dog that was so "valuable"?!) After finding the dog, he sued the dog sitter, demanding $20,000 for the cost of his search, $30,000 for the income he lost by letting his business collapse, $10,000 for "the temporary loss of the special value" of the dog, and $100,000 in "emotional damages" -- $160,000 total. God has not been named as a defendant.
And the winner of the 2003 True Stella Awards: The City of Madera, Calif. Madera police officer Marcy Noriega had the suspect from a minor disturbance handcuffed in the back of her patrol car. When the suspect started to kick at the car's windows, Officer Noriega decided to subdue him with her Taser. Incredibly, instead of pulling her stun gun from her belt, she pulled her service sidearm and shot the man in the chest, killing him instantly. The city, however, says the killing is not the officer's fault; it argues that "any reasonable police officer" could "mistakenly draw and fire a handgun instead of the Taser device" and has filed suit against Taser, arguing the company should pay for any award from the wrongful death lawsuit the man's family has filed. What a slur against every professionally trained police officer who knows the difference between a real gun and a stun gun! And what a cowardly attempt to escape responsibility for the actions of its own under-trained officer.
---
The 2003 True Stella Awards Winners
by Randy Cassingham
Issued 21 January 2004
#8: Stephen Joseph of San Francisco, Calif. Joseph runs a non-profit group whose goal is to ban the "trans fats" used in many processed foods and which are indeed very unhealthy. But to help gain publicity for his cause, Joseph, an attorney, chose one food that uses trans fats -- Oreo cookies -- and sued Kraft Foods for putting the stuff in the snack. The resulting publicity over "suing Oreos" was so intense that Joseph dropped the suit after just 13 days. He never even served the suit on Kraft, showing that he had no interest in actually getting the case heard in court. What real cases got pushed aside during his abuse of the courts to get publicity for his pet organization?
#7: Shawn Perkins of Laurel, Ind. Perkins was hit by lightning in the parking lot Paramount's Kings Island amusement park in Mason, Ohio. A classic "act of God", right? No, says Perkins' lawyer. "That would be a lot of people's knee-jerk reaction in these types of situations." The lawyer has filed suit against the amusement park asking unspecified damages, arguing the park should have "warned" people not to be outside during a thunderstorm.
#6: Caesar Barber, 56, of New York City. Barber, who is 5-foot-10 and 270 pounds, says he is obese, diabetic, and suffers from heart disease because fast food restaurants forced him to eat their fatty food four to five times per week. He filed suit against McDonald's, Burger King, Wendy's and KFC, who "profited enormously" and asked for unspecified damages because the eateries didn't warn him that junk food isn't good for him. The judge threw the case out twice, and barred it from being filed a third time. Is that the end of such McCases? No way: lawyers will just find another plaintiff and start over, legal scholars say.
#5: Cole Bartiromo, 18, of Mission Viejo, Calif. After making over $1 million in the stock market, the feds made Bartiromo pay it all back: he gained his profits, they said, using fraud. Bartiromo played baseball at school, but after his fraud case broke he was no longer allowed to participate in extracurricular sports. Bartiromo clearly learned a lot while sitting in federal court: he wrote and filed his own lawsuit against his high school, reasoning that he had planned on a pro baseball career but, because he was kicked off the school's team, pro scouts wouldn't be able to discover him. His suit demands the school reimburse him for the great salary he would have made in the majors, which he figures is $50 million.
#4: Priest David Hanser, 70. Hanser was one of the first Catholic priests to be caught up in the sex abuse scandal. In 1990, he settled a suit filed by one of his victims for $65,000. In the settlement, Hanser agreed not to work with children anymore, but the victim learned that Hanser was ignoring that part of the agreement. The victim appealed to the church, asking it to stop Hanser from working near children, but the church would not intervene. "It's up to the church to decide where he works," argued the priest's lawyer. When the outraged victim went to the press to warn the public that a pedo priest was near children, Hanser sued him for the same $65,000 because he violated his own part of the deal -- to keep the settlement secret. The message is clear: shut up about outrageous abuse, or we'll sue you for catching us.
#3: Wanda Hudson, 44, of Mobile, Ala. After Hudson lost her home to foreclosure, she moved her belongings to a storage unit. She says she was inside her unit one night "looking for some papers" when the storage yard manager found the door to her unit ajar -- and locked it. She denies that she was sleeping inside, but incredibly did not call for help or bang on the door to be let out! She was not found for 63 days and barely survived; the formerly "plump" 150-pound woman lived on food she just happened to have in the unit, and was a mere 83 pounds when she was found. She sued the storage yard for $10 million claiming negligence. Even though the jury was not allowed to learn that Hudson had previously diagnosed mental problems, it found Hudson was nearly 100 percent responsible for her own predicament -- but still awarded her $100,000.
#2: Doug Baker, 45, of Portland, Ore. Baker says God "steered" him to a stray dog. He admits "People thought I was crazy" to spend $4,000 in vet bills to bring the injured mutt back to health, but hey, it was God's dog! But $4,000 was nothing: he couldn't even take his girlfriend out to dinner without getting a dog-sitter to watch him. When the skittish dog escaped the sitter, Baker didn't just put an ad in the paper, he bought display ads so he could include a photo. His business collapsed since he devoted full time to the search for the dog. He didn't propose to his girlfriend because he wanted the dog to deliver the ring to her. He hired four "animal psychics" to give him clues to the animal's whereabouts, and hired a witch to cast spells. He even spread his own urine around to "mark his territory" to try to lure the dog home! And, he said, he cried every day. Two months in to the search, he went looking for the dog where it got lost -- and quickly found it. His first task: he put a collar on the mutt. (He hadn't done that before for a dog that was so "valuable"?!) After finding the dog, he sued the dog sitter, demanding $20,000 for the cost of his search, $30,000 for the income he lost by letting his business collapse, $10,000 for "the temporary loss of the special value" of the dog, and $100,000 in "emotional damages" -- $160,000 total. God has not been named as a defendant.
And the winner of the 2003 True Stella Awards: The City of Madera, Calif. Madera police officer Marcy Noriega had the suspect from a minor disturbance handcuffed in the back of her patrol car. When the suspect started to kick at the car's windows, Officer Noriega decided to subdue him with her Taser. Incredibly, instead of pulling her stun gun from her belt, she pulled her service sidearm and shot the man in the chest, killing him instantly. The city, however, says the killing is not the officer's fault; it argues that "any reasonable police officer" could "mistakenly draw and fire a handgun instead of the Taser device" and has filed suit against Taser, arguing the company should pay for any award from the wrongful death lawsuit the man's family has filed. What a slur against every professionally trained police officer who knows the difference between a real gun and a stun gun! And what a cowardly attempt to escape responsibility for the actions of its own under-trained officer.
Taahan on melkein yhta hyva kuin vanha klassikko: "Viisi miesta kaveli sillalla ja yhdella oli parta."
*aamukahvi repeäminen*
:D
Mies tuli lääkärin vastaanotolle Salon aluesairaalaan, kun toinen
"palleroista" oli mennyt mustaksi.
Lääkäri tutki potilasta ja sanoi, että kuolioonhan se on menossa. Se
on pakko poistaa. Ja niin tehtiin.
Sama potilas joutui turvautumaan uudelleen lääkäriin kahden viikon
kuluttua kun nyt puolestaan toinen pallero oli ihan sinimusta.
Lääkäri totesi heti, että se on kirurgisesti poistettava, kuolioon
sekin on menossa. Ja niin tehtiin.
Potilas ajatteli että hyvä jos tällä selvitään, mutta perheen
perustaminen jälkikasvun toivossa oli mennyt. Onneksi jäi vielä tuo
miehisyyden lippulaiva.
Mutta niin vain kävi, että lippulaivakin veti siniseksi ja taas kävi
matka lääkärin luokse. Lääkäri totesi heti, että se on heti
leikkaamalla poistettava. Ja niin tehtiin. Nyt oli koko miehisyys
menetetty.
Tästä potilas meinasi masentua ja lääkäri ymmärsi mistä kenkä puristi.
Hän asensi paksun ja melko pitkän pätkän kirkasta vesijohtoputkea
siihen amputoituun kohtaan ja farkut jalassa ulkoapäin asiaa
tarkasteltaessa tilanne näytti tosi hyvältä.
Mutta parin viikon kuluttua tämä tekovehjekin oli muuttunut vuorostaan
mustaksi. Eikun lääkäriin.
Lääkäri katsoi tummanpuhuvaa tekovehjettä ja totesi: "Toisaalta tätä
minä vähän epäilinkin. Ne on nuo farkut jotka
värjää."
Mies tuli lääkärin vastaanotolle Salon aluesairaalaan, kun toinen
"palleroista" oli mennyt mustaksi.
Lääkäri tutki potilasta ja sanoi, että kuolioonhan se on menossa. Se
on pakko poistaa. Ja niin tehtiin.
Sama potilas joutui turvautumaan uudelleen lääkäriin kahden viikon
kuluttua kun nyt puolestaan toinen pallero oli ihan sinimusta.
Lääkäri totesi heti, että se on kirurgisesti poistettava, kuolioon
sekin on menossa. Ja niin tehtiin.
Potilas ajatteli että hyvä jos tällä selvitään, mutta perheen
perustaminen jälkikasvun toivossa oli mennyt. Onneksi jäi vielä tuo
miehisyyden lippulaiva.
Mutta niin vain kävi, että lippulaivakin veti siniseksi ja taas kävi
matka lääkärin luokse. Lääkäri totesi heti, että se on heti
leikkaamalla poistettava. Ja niin tehtiin. Nyt oli koko miehisyys
menetetty.
Tästä potilas meinasi masentua ja lääkäri ymmärsi mistä kenkä puristi.
Hän asensi paksun ja melko pitkän pätkän kirkasta vesijohtoputkea
siihen amputoituun kohtaan ja farkut jalassa ulkoapäin asiaa
tarkasteltaessa tilanne näytti tosi hyvältä.
Mutta parin viikon kuluttua tämä tekovehjekin oli muuttunut vuorostaan
mustaksi. Eikun lääkäriin.
Lääkäri katsoi tummanpuhuvaa tekovehjettä ja totesi: "Toisaalta tätä
minä vähän epäilinkin. Ne on nuo farkut jotka
värjää."
Ei nyt varsinaisesti vitsi, mutta... :
***The following scene took place on a flight between Saskatoon and Calgary.
A white woman, about 50 years old, was seated next to a native man. Obviously disturbed by this, she called the air Hostess.
'Madam, what is the matter,' the hostess asked.
'You obviously do not see it then?' she responded. 'You placed me next to a native man. I do not agree to sit next to someone from such a repugnant group, give me an alternative seat.'
'Be calm please,' the hostess replied. 'Almost all the places on this flight are taken. I will go to see if another place is available.'
The Hostess went away and then came back a few minutes later.
'Madam, just as I thought, there are no other available seats in the economy class. I spoke to the captain and he informed me that there is also no seat in the business class. All the same, we still have one place in the first class.'
Before the woman could say anything, the hostess continued:
'It is not usual for our company to permit someone from the economy class to sit in the first class However, given the circumstances, the captain feels that it would be scandalous to make someone sit next to someone sooooo disgusting.'
She turned to the native guy, and said,
"Therefore, Sir, if you would like to, please take your hand luggage because a seat awaits you in the first class.'"
At the moment, the other passengers who were shocked by what they had just witnessed stood up and applauded.
This is a true story which is not usually told. If you are against racism, please send this message to all your friends, please do not delete it without sending it to at least one person.***
***The following scene took place on a flight between Saskatoon and Calgary.
A white woman, about 50 years old, was seated next to a native man. Obviously disturbed by this, she called the air Hostess.
'Madam, what is the matter,' the hostess asked.
'You obviously do not see it then?' she responded. 'You placed me next to a native man. I do not agree to sit next to someone from such a repugnant group, give me an alternative seat.'
'Be calm please,' the hostess replied. 'Almost all the places on this flight are taken. I will go to see if another place is available.'
The Hostess went away and then came back a few minutes later.
'Madam, just as I thought, there are no other available seats in the economy class. I spoke to the captain and he informed me that there is also no seat in the business class. All the same, we still have one place in the first class.'
Before the woman could say anything, the hostess continued:
'It is not usual for our company to permit someone from the economy class to sit in the first class However, given the circumstances, the captain feels that it would be scandalous to make someone sit next to someone sooooo disgusting.'
She turned to the native guy, and said,
"Therefore, Sir, if you would like to, please take your hand luggage because a seat awaits you in the first class.'"
At the moment, the other passengers who were shocked by what they had just witnessed stood up and applauded.
This is a true story which is not usually told. If you are against racism, please send this message to all your friends, please do not delete it without sending it to at least one person.***